Posts

Posted on

Appreciating the Less Finer Things

There is an art to appreciating the less finer things in life.  I don’t think I’m there quite yet, but I am trying to learn to appreciate the hardship, the disappointment, and the loss.  Appreciating these less popular companions does not mean I have to embrace or favor them.  It means I see them for what they are and what they may teach me. 

I have had numerous internal conflicts since I have been here in Turkey.  I have experienced some health issues I had never had to deal with before.  I have been learning and growing as an officer and it has been incredibly painful at times.  I have only two doctorate level classes under my belt, and I have already devoted 240 hours of my life to the pursuit of that degree.  We are facing a drawdown of the military population and that has been stressful for everyone.  My internal conflicts have a lot to do with trying to keep my feelings of self-worth grounded in reality while I constantly feel under the gun, behind the eight ball, and barely above water. 

I keep spinning the plates.  There is something mesmerizing and exhilarating about spinning plates.  I sometimes get more mesmerized than exhilarated and space out too long and one of the plates hits the unforgiving concrete floor.  I’m trying to learn to appreciate that moment and what happens afterward.  I’m definitely not perfect…never will be and never claimed to be.  And yet, I have wired myself to think perfection is what is expected of me and anything less is epic failure.  It is because of this that I have decided to rewire myself.  I have an electronics degree…I can do this!

This “system upgrade” started with the realization I was never going to live up to any standards, real or imagined, that involved perfection.  Then, I had to get comfortable with the fact that my best, which I give every day, is pretty dang good.  Now I am working on holding myself to realistic standards.  (There are few more complex combinations of things in nature than an intelligent, emotional human!)

Hardship, disappointment, and loss will always visit me from time to time.  Sometimes they will move in and stay with me for a season.  But everything has a season.  Everything has a purpose.  I will draw strength from that as I continue trying to appreciate those less finer things in life.

Posted on

What Is Stopping Me?

There are several recent developments in my life that have caused me to stop and think.  Every day, I get one day older (deep, I know).  I am so happy that I look in the mirror first thing in the morning with the sleep still in my eyes and the fog still not cleared out of my brain.  This way, I don’t quite see the flaws and walk away after “sprucing up” feeling fresh-faced and ready for the day.  I rarely consult a mirror throughout the day with the exception of checking to make sure my hair is in standards in uniform.  This way, I sometimes don’t feel quite so old.

As I age, it seems that everything falls.  Things fall down, fall apart, fall out.  I’m a hot mess, intensifying as each day passes.  But what does that mean? 

A couple of years ago, I was working on my Masters degree, wondering what I should do with my education.  I decided I wanted to apply for a commission to be a Medical Service Corps officer in the Air Force.  I was 20 pounds over the maximum weight I could be to qualify to even apply.  At the time, I was a biomedical equipment technician and one day I was working on a c-arm, which is a portable fluoroscope (basically x-ray video).  When I was in the process of calibrating it, I breached protocol, took off the calibration standard and threw my own leg up on it and fluoro’d it.  I repeated with my other leg.  This gave me an “a-ha!” moment that served to take me on a journey that brought me to where I am today.  I’m telling you, I had the most perfect knees anyone could possibly imagine (on the inside, literally). 

I realized after seeing my knees that I had been holding myself back.  I had not been exercising or taking care of myself because I thought my knees could not handle it.  This all stemmed from the fact that Jeff had left the military because of a knee injury that he actually was physically limited by.  Those of you who are married might understand how I adopted that as my own limitation. 

I have, as of late, been dealing with some difficulty with weight loss and am now only 10 pounds below that weight I was when I was too overweight to apply for a commission.  While there is some metabolic reasoning, I have decided that a lot of it is a figment of my brain.  I have decided that I have been sabotaging my own progress by my big BUT…”I want to lose weight and get healthy and I can find the time, BUT I have a hormonal imbalance and it is preventing me from losing weight and I am getting old and my metabolism is getting slower. 

And so, my current crossroads lies at the corner of “Am I really putting forth the effort I am capable of?” and “Am I afraid to put forth a fair effort because I don’t know what I would do if I don’t see results?” 

The infamous fear of failure…when the hell has that EVER caused me to quit or even slow down???  The answer is NEVER.  I will crack this nut…I have conquered scarier foes.  And I have gorgeous knees.

Posted on

Sometimes It’s Okay To Be Non-Essential

Most of us exist in a competitive world.  We are constantly trying to establish our place in the “pecking order” of the workplace…make a name for ourselves.  We listen carefully for those brass ring-offering opportunities and try to raise our hands higher than anyone else.  At other times, we hesitate to volunteer for just a moment and when we see no one else is stepping up to the plate, we quickly consult our inner pep-talker to see if he tells us whether volunteering will somehow set us apart from the mundane and everyday.

We work with those who always seem to put themselves out there.  You know the ones I mean.  Maybe it’s you.  They always volunteer to stay late so you can go home, work the extra jobs so no one else has to, and cover for anyone who can’t do what needs to be done for whatever reason.  They are often the people who make you feel guilty instead of relieved or grateful that you can count on them. 

But wait a second.  Stop and see things through the “true reality” lens.  It is likely you actually do your fair share of putting yourself out there.  I personally struggled up until fairly recently with this issue.  Then someone told me, “It’s okay to be non-essential sometimes.  When someone else steps up, sometimes you should just sit back and enjoy it.”  I realized there will be plenty of times when I will need to be essential.  There will be plenty of opportunities for me to be the hero.  But I don’t always have to be Superman.  Sometimes, I can be Jimmy Olsen.

Posted on

I Fell In Love With A Boy

I fell in love with a boy….
He was a few years older than I was.  I hadn’t decided yet to enlist in the Air Force.  He was a blond farm boy from Indiana.  I met him in California where he drove his truck to, broke down, and moved in with a family who took him in when he was down on his luck.  He was so charming.  It was a good thing, too, because he didn’t have a job and was basically freeloading off the family he had the fortune of living with.  I enlisted in the Air Force and he “let me go”.

I fell in love with a boy…
He was a free spirit.  We had fun no matter what we were doing.  We even got a pet rat, skied Mt Bachelor in Oregon, and made a model airplane.  In the end, we just weren’t going in the same direction.

I fell in love with a boy…
He was such a jerk.  Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about it until I married him.  He never loved me.  He used to say, “You’re pretty, but you’re not beautiful.”  He was so verbally abusive that I started to feel trapped by my own inadequacies, although they were likely manufactured by this “boy”.  A few years after I left him, I started to breathe again.

I fell in love with a boy…
He was the most beautiful person I ever laid eyes on.  I kissed him a million times.  He was a part of me in every way.  It was just the two of us for many years.  My world revolved around him.  I think so fondly of him even now, and I miss him like crazy.  He was my first experience of unconditional love.  He can drive me crazy, and he is bigger than me now, and more hairy, but I still love him.

I fell in love with a boy…
He is my best friend in the whole world.  He knows me.  He loves me anyway.  He also can drive me crazy, but we are still heading down this road together.  We are Yin and Yang, Frick and Frack, Bert and Ernie. 

I fell in love with a boy…
He is so accident prone.  He doesn’t know how to ride a bike yet.  He asks me about wind advisories and political parties.  He is so smart, but the least observant human being on the planet.  He gets to laughing so hard his eyes water and he can’t breathe and that makes me laugh. 

My life has been amazing so far, and in no small part to these boys I fell in love with.  Even the ones that broke apart for whatever reason shaped a part of who I am today and what I value.  For that, I am so thankful.

Posted on

What Difference Can .0000005% Really Make?

We have a new computer system at work.  It hasn’t been implemented yet, not until next month.  However, lots have already been cast, lines drawn in the sand, teams picked, war paint applied.  And you can take a guess who the project manager is for the implementation.  Yes, indeed…yours truly.

Any time I have a meeting about this system, 3 out of the 12 implementation team members attend.  I have been told I can “drink the Kool Aid” if I want to, accused of forcing a useless program down peoples’ throats, told the program is destined for failure (with even a monetary wager), and told point blank how much this program is hated by the masses.  Closed-mindedness can be so mean-spirited.  Although, I don’t take their angst personally.

Here are a few interesting factoids.  Back in Jesus’ day, the world population was about 228 million.  He began His ministry with 12 souls.  That would have been about .0000005% of the world population.  There are about 2.1 billion Jesus-believing people in the world today…about 33% of the world population, and 9 times more than the total population of the world in Jesus’ time.  But He started with 12.  Sure, Jesus’ mission and purpose is exponentially more significant than my workplace’s new computer system, but even the founder of Dell said about his efforts in his own company, “…while some resisted, many welcomed the chance to play a more prominent role in the entire process.”  The lesson I learned from this?  Don’t concern yourself with the naysayers and scrooges when you are trying to move forward with something you know will ultimately be a benefit to business and customer service.  Cleave to your compadres–those few who stand along side you and are doing their part to help things progress as they should.

Play it out in your mind.  What could happen?  Now, STOP IT!!!  Are you kidding??  Don’t play anything out in your mind!  Just press forward with your plan.  Exercise patience, humility, careful directing, and positive control. 

The Bottom Line:  If it is a venture that is truly worthwhile, people will become believers, even if they don’t start out that way.