There is an art to appreciating the less finer things in life. I don’t think I’m there quite yet, but I am trying to learn to appreciate the hardship, the disappointment, and the loss. Appreciating these less popular companions does not mean I have to embrace or favor them. It means I see them for what they are and what they may teach me.
I have had numerous internal conflicts since I have been here in Turkey. I have experienced some health issues I had never had to deal with before. I have been learning and growing as an officer and it has been incredibly painful at times. I have only two doctorate level classes under my belt, and I have already devoted 240 hours of my life to the pursuit of that degree. We are facing a drawdown of the military population and that has been stressful for everyone. My internal conflicts have a lot to do with trying to keep my feelings of self-worth grounded in reality while I constantly feel under the gun, behind the eight ball, and barely above water.
I keep spinning the plates. There is something mesmerizing and exhilarating about spinning plates. I sometimes get more mesmerized than exhilarated and space out too long and one of the plates hits the unforgiving concrete floor. I’m trying to learn to appreciate that moment and what happens afterward. I’m definitely not perfect…never will be and never claimed to be. And yet, I have wired myself to think perfection is what is expected of me and anything less is epic failure. It is because of this that I have decided to rewire myself. I have an electronics degree…I can do this!
This “system upgrade” started with the realization I was never going to live up to any standards, real or imagined, that involved perfection. Then, I had to get comfortable with the fact that my best, which I give every day, is pretty dang good. Now I am working on holding myself to realistic standards. (There are few more complex combinations of things in nature than an intelligent, emotional human!)
Hardship, disappointment, and loss will always visit me from time to time. Sometimes they will move in and stay with me for a season. But everything has a season. Everything has a purpose. I will draw strength from that as I continue trying to appreciate those less finer things in life.
