There are several recent developments in my life that have caused me to stop and think. Every day, I get one day older (deep, I know). I am so happy that I look in the mirror first thing in the morning with the sleep still in my eyes and the fog still not cleared out of my brain. This way, I don’t quite see the flaws and walk away after “sprucing up” feeling fresh-faced and ready for the day. I rarely consult a mirror throughout the day with the exception of checking to make sure my hair is in standards in uniform. This way, I sometimes don’t feel quite so old.
As I age, it seems that everything falls. Things fall down, fall apart, fall out. I’m a hot mess, intensifying as each day passes. But what does that mean?
A couple of years ago, I was working on my Masters degree, wondering what I should do with my education. I decided I wanted to apply for a commission to be a Medical Service Corps officer in the Air Force. I was 20 pounds over the maximum weight I could be to qualify to even apply. At the time, I was a biomedical equipment technician and one day I was working on a c-arm, which is a portable fluoroscope (basically x-ray video). When I was in the process of calibrating it, I breached protocol, took off the calibration standard and threw my own leg up on it and fluoro’d it. I repeated with my other leg. This gave me an “a-ha!” moment that served to take me on a journey that brought me to where I am today. I’m telling you, I had the most perfect knees anyone could possibly imagine (on the inside, literally).
I realized after seeing my knees that I had been holding myself back. I had not been exercising or taking care of myself because I thought my knees could not handle it. This all stemmed from the fact that Jeff had left the military because of a knee injury that he actually was physically limited by. Those of you who are married might understand how I adopted that as my own limitation.
I have, as of late, been dealing with some difficulty with weight loss and am now only 10 pounds below that weight I was when I was too overweight to apply for a commission. While there is some metabolic reasoning, I have decided that a lot of it is a figment of my brain. I have decided that I have been sabotaging my own progress by my big BUT…”I want to lose weight and get healthy and I can find the time, BUT I have a hormonal imbalance and it is preventing me from losing weight and I am getting old and my metabolism is getting slower.
And so, my current crossroads lies at the corner of “Am I really putting forth the effort I am capable of?” and “Am I afraid to put forth a fair effort because I don’t know what I would do if I don’t see results?”
The infamous fear of failure…when the hell has that EVER caused me to quit or even slow down??? The answer is NEVER. I will crack this nut…I have conquered scarier foes. And I have gorgeous knees.
