There is a sorrowful dichotomy that exists in my life today. It came to light for me today when we were walking into the church building this morning. My son told me that his friends are afraid of me. I laughed and asked incredulously, “why?” He said they feel intimidated when they see a short, Hispanic woman with RBF approaching. We all had a good laugh at that.
The dichotomy in my life is that at work, I am treated like a 12 year old. “Intimidating” is not a moniker I carry at my place of employment. On the contrary, based on the way many interact with me, I would posit labels like “slow” and “ineffective”. I am rarely afforded the luxury of finishing an entire sentence before the barrage of questions start coming at me. Unbeknownst to my critics, their questions would likely be answered if they would let me finish speaking!
I am baffled. I don’t understand either of these perceptions. Okay, well, maybe I do. And if I do, it has very little to do with me. If I understand it accurately, it is because of the insecurities of those I interact with. At home, my environment is of my own design. My husband and I chose each other. My kids live with me. I choose what room I spend my time in. I choose what books I read and what programs I watch. There is a certain comfort and peace to my home environment. At work, I am thrust into an environment of the institution’s choosing, and when I have to share space with individuals who feel they have something to prove, I often become an unwitting participant in “Operation: Prove My Superiority”, when I never threw down the gauntlet to issue a challenge.
I have worked for Uncle Sam for a total of about 21 years…most of my adult life (but not all!). I have had a few tastes of “life on the outside”. I am approaching a crossroads where I believe I will be making a decision about my future. Once upon a time, I had a boss who told me, “One day, your love affair with the Air Force will come to an end because it is one-sided.” He meant that the Air Force did not love me. I was wounded by his implication at the time, but now I may be able to see that end.
Here’s another dichotomy: I add value to my team at work yet I am easily replaced by anyone else who could add value to the team. You would think this is a depressing condition, but it is actually a liberating fact. In turn, I could replace someone else at a civilian place of employment and add value there…and that sounds kind of sweet.