Category: Leadership

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Lead with Kindness

If you’ve done the colors personality test, you know what it means when I say I am a Green with a small amount of Gold in the background. Here are the basic breakdowns on the colors:

A logically driven individual can still be kind. In fact, it is even more essential that a logically driven leader extend kindness to others. It may seem a bit out of our comfort zones to behave in such a way, but the flex is worth it.

To those whom I have not extended kindness and understanding (numerous, I’m sure) in your time of need, please accept my humble apology. I do sincerely care, in spite of my sometimes calloused exterior. Most of the time, it’s because I don’t know what to say or do. Most of the time I fall short of any ability to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I must say that I do genuinely care about everyone I come in contact with, both at work and in my personal life.

I do possess outrageous patience when conversing with others who are not knowledgeable of the subject of the discussion. (I would say “who are ignorant”, but although that is a fitting description, I know it may offend the ignorant.) I actually enjoy assisting others who need guidance with something I am experienced with. Last week, I was thanked by two providers at two different meetings for my assistance and understanding. Their thanks was a kindness extended to me that encouraged me to continue to strive to help as much as possible. I think about the line in Jerry McGuire where he said, “Help me help you!” This is the kind of leadership that creates synergy. When you have synergy in a team, successful plays are made!

Leading with kindness helps smooth out the pits in the road moving forward. It makes an otherwise distant leader approachable. It proves that even if you are personally driven by things other than emotion, you can still create a nurturing and positive work environment for those you lead. You are still allowed to recharge in solitude; you are still permitted to analyze situations and make decisions based on facts. In fact, you will experience greater success when you get buy-in from your teammates by communicating your stellar plans to them through the filter of kindness.

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Rare Unicorns

The other day, I attended the Monday executive leadership meeting at work, as I typically do.  It was the same old “death by Power Point” with updates on ongoing projects, upcoming issues, and the fanfare of hails and farewells.  The Chaplain had his short message about spirituality (white-washed to apply to every walk of life, of course), and at the conclusion of the meeting, the Boss had us watch a short YouTube video about leadership.

The speaker on the video stated that the job of leaders is to inspire, motivate, and encourage.  I’m down with all that.  Actually, the video had a great message about leadership.  It mentioned something about emotional intelligence, fondly referred to as EQ.  Following the video, the Boss provided a word salad, chock full of stuff about how important it is to have emotional intelligence and how we should really care about our people.  Someone chimed in with the burned-out phrase, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Another person spoke of how he just completed a college course that emphasized how most employers value EQ over IQ. 

As we concluded our time together that morning, the Boss made a statement about knowing how most of us are Type As, and we like to charge hard and are motivated to get things done.  She cautioned that Type As need to practice more emotional intelligence and demonstrate to their followers how much they care.  

When we were dismissed, I made my way back to my office with so many questions.  “How does she define emotional intelligence?” “How did she come to the conclusion that most leaders are Type As?” “If it is so important to develop emotional intelligence, why are we merely paying lip service to the phrase instead of learning how to increase our EQ?” 

The entire discussion left me feeling more misunderstood and underappreciated than ever.  I will be the first to (quietly and humbly) tell you that Type As do not own exclusive rights to the leadership moniker.  I would even go so far as to dare say that Type As are not the most inspiring, motivating, or encouraging leaders.  Unfortunately, many Type As, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, sabotage the leadership efforts of non-Type As. Dear friends, I have so much more to say about this…much more to come…  

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I looked up some information about emotional intelligence (EQ). I read there are 5 tenants of emotional intelligence (in no particular order): self-awareness, empathy, motivation, self-regulation, and social skills.  To increase emotional intelligence, one must find a rare unicorn. This rare unicorn is an individual who is trustworthy, understands what value you bring to the workplace, and one who is willing to provide feedback to you on their assessment of your progress. I applaud you if you have someone in your life who meets these qualifications. You have the greatest opportunity to achieve the highest EQ possible.

I have yet to find my rare unicorn. Maybe I will before I retire. In the meantime, I’m available.

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Sometimes You Just Can’t Win

Sometimes, in spite of all of your amazing feats of resiliency after getting knocked in the dirt, you don’t get to carry home the Comeback Kid trophy. Sometimes, you just can’t win.

I want to be sure to give myself plenty of credit. I have won many days and many battles. I have been knocked in the dirt, kicked when I was down, and spat in the face. I have picked myself up and continued to move forward. I survived, then I thrived. I helped others out of pits. I taught others how to thrive. I brought teams together and helped connect military healthcare with community partners and Veterans Affairs.

I had a good run, and I have no regrets. I am proud of myself and my service. There are some things I am looking forward to once I become a civilian again:

  • Being able to wear colorful fingernail polish
  • Being able to wear my hair in any configuration I want
  • Being able to carry any color backpack
  • Being able to wear any color and style earrings I want
  • Being able to talk politics at work
  • Being able to invite people at work to church
  • Calling people by their first name
  • Saying “yeah” or “okay” in place of “yes, sir/ma’am”
  • Not being on a recall roster, deployment team, or response team
  • Getting to take vacation and go wherever I want and not have to take leave on weekend days
  • No PT test for “job security”
  • Not having to wear a hat outside unless I want to
  • Being able to use one of those clear umbrellas that you can see through so you can keep it low down to you
  • No more “additional duties”

My military career is drawing to a close, but my life is taking off! I am far from finished helping teams do amazing things and teaching people to lead with excellence. I am still writing my book. I have worked as a civilian before, and as I return to civilian life, I bring with me the sum of my experiences. I am a survivor. I am a leader. I will thrive and lift others to higher heights because it matters. I am FAR from finished.

Sometimes, you think you’ve lost when it is not even close to over. Take a deep breath. Keep getting back up when you’re knocked down. Breathe. Accept the moment as is. Breathe. Talk to God and then LISTEN. Breathe. Start to gather yourself and build a game plan. Cry a little (or a lot) if you need to. Another nice, deep, cleansing breath, my friend…and then start to move. Move forward…it’s going to work out. We will win. Winning might not look like we imagined it would, but it will still be amazing!