Tag: faith

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There You Are!

There you are!

I have been an average weight most of my life. It has only been in recent years where I have truly struggled. Chalk it up to the end of military PT tests, the basic stresses of life, and the utter deliciousness of cheesecake and key lime pie. I have made superficial efforts to lose weight, all the while sizing up and up and up on my clothing. I am a mere 5 foot 1 (used to be 5 foot 2, but time has compressed me) and the day I saw over 200 on the scale, I knew we had achieved maximum capacity. I knew that if I didn’t do something significant and right away, I wasn’t going to live long enough to be a burden to my grandchildren like I wanted to.

In January of this year, I had to go get a colonoscopy. Hooray for being over 50! They asked me if I wanted to get scheduled to get a liver scan. I knew that wouldn’t be worse than a colonoscopy so I agreed. The scan indicated that my liver was just about cirrhotic. I had some scaring and a fatty liver. When I discussed the findings with the doctor, he told me that he could refer me to see a bariatric doctor to talk about surgical options for weight loss since it was clear that the condition of my liver (and high blood pressure and inflammation and sleep apnea) was likely a result of my weight.

When I called the bariatric provider’s office, they asked how tall I was and how much I weighed and if I had certain health issues. They asked if I was looking to get the GLP-1 shots or surgery. I had thought a great deal about it and knew that the only thing that would truly work for me would be a permanent physical constraint that would keep me from overeating, so I told them I was looking at getting surgery. Then the strangest thing happened. I was told that I qualify based on the number of weight related health issues I had but that I could NOT lose ANY weight before I would have the surgery to shrink my stomach. You see, my BMI wasn’t high enough to qualify me BUT with the three weight related health issues I had, I could be a slightly lower BMI to qualify. However, I was right there at the low threshold of qualification. I told them, “NO problem!”

In February, I began doing telehealth appointments with a nutritionist once a month for four months so my insurance would pay their share of the procedure. I learned everything about how to eat after the surgery from deciphering food labels to timing and measuring my meals. Then I finally got scheduled for a gastric sleeve surgery mid July. In case you didn’t know, the surgery reduces your stomach to the size of about a 4 inch section of a thin garden hose. I don’t know how much my stomach could hold before, but now it can hold about 4-5 ounces. This means I really can’t eat AND drink water in one sitting. I learned it takes about 5 minutes for water to clear out of your stomach and about 30 minutes for food to clear out and make room for water or whatever you’re drinking.

I have sworn off drinking anything carbonated, anything caffeinated, and eating regular bread. Cottage cheese has become a staple in my diet, and my eyes are always bigger than my stomach. I got what I wanted. I am physically unable to overindulge. On my birthday last month, we went to Olive Garden…no bread sticks and only a few bites of salad, a few spoonfuls of soup, and about a third of my chicken mhargerita. That meal ended up being three meals for me. However, I did get a strawberry creme cake. I thought I would have a bite and let the kids have the rest. I ended up eating about half of it and got so sick. Eating has become more of a “have to” and less of a “want to”. I’m not upset about it, but suffice it to say that my relationship with food has changed.

I have a large bag of clothes in my closet that is 1-2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing at over 200 pounds. I’m pretty sure they would fit now that I have lost over 40 pounds, but I am afraid to open it and try anything on. I am afraid of trying something on and it still be too small, making me feel like I was failing at this weight loss thing. I still haven’t opened the bag. I’m going to wait 5 more pounds before I do.

I have to say that immediately after the surgery, my inflammation was GONE! I had ankles and wrists again! I almost had one chin! My wedding ring fit more comfortably. I think I lost 12 pounds in the first two weeks, and some of that just had to be water weight. I only threw up I think three or four times over the first month. I haven’t since then. We have a two Westie dogs, and the older one, Tillie has a weak stomach. Every time she drinks water too fast, she is yacking it up. Me and Tillie…I feel ya, girl.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror, and I recognized the woman looking back at me. “There you are!”, I exclaimed. I haven’t seen that lady in a long time. She is a lot older than I remember her being, but she looks happy. She looks like she has the peace of God that passes all understanding. She looks comfortable in her own skin. She isn’t trying to hide behind a veil of make-up or academic achievement. I missed her. She’s got a ways to go, but she is making it to the finish line, one pound at a time.

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What Do You Want Your Kids to Be Like When They Grow Up?

What do you want your kids to be like when they grow up? Do you have visions of greatness dancing in your head, do you simply want them to be a “decent human being”, or do you want something in between?

When your kids are first born, the sky is the limit. The canvas is freshly primered…blank and ready for a work of art to begin to take shape. As they age, the image of their life begins to come into focus. Most parents think (at least for the first decade or so) that they are the ones holding the paintbrush. Those who think they are holding the paintbrush beyond the first 10 years, perhaps well into their child’s 20s, are often disappointed when the picture does not look like what they envisioned for their own “take two” attempt on life…aka “I-need-this-human-to-not-make-the-mistakes-I-made-and-accomplish-all-of-the-things-I-failed-to-do-in-my-life”.

The fact of the matter is at NO point is a parent holding the paintbrush! God Almighty is the ultimate craftsman and artisan. He “knit us together in our mother’s womb”, painted the sky and bedazzled it with stars, and stuffed us with the capacity to love and with free will. So, as parents, we can want great things for our children, but it is not really in our control what that painting on their canvas looks like.

I kind of laugh when I consider the phrase “decent human being”, because it is such an unqualified term. For most of modern society, it has come to define a person who does not perform criminal acts. Some may also add the performance of a few kind acts, like smiling a lot, holding doors, saying “please” and “thank you”, and the occasional charitable donation…all things that are external and visible to others. Never mind a person’s insecurities, struggles with emotions and unforgiveness, secret thoughts of hatred toward another human, or closet obsessions and bad habits…the things that if people knew about, they might not think of someone as a “decent human being”.

That’s not to say that parents don’t have a key role in providing an environment of love and nurturing and demonstrating to their children through their example how to treat others and manage the challenges that come their way.

But sometimes, in spite of everything parents think they are doing right, their children fall short of what they envisioned. Sometimes their children decide to forge an emotional path that takes them far away from their parents. This is when parents must lean on God’s promise that if they raise their children up in the way of the Lord, “when they are old, they will not depart from it.”

We were having a family discussion this evening that stemmed from a bad habit my children have developed in being overly critical of each other and saying hateful things to each other. I expressed to them that our responsibility as parents is to set an example of how to treat each other and provide an environment in our family to communicate clearly so that we can work to resolve the real issues…not deflect or build up walls. I’m not the most sensitive, nurturing parent on the planet, but I do love my kids and want what’s best for them. I want to set them up for success, knowing it is up to them to determine their version of success and whether they achieve it.

I just hope they all understand what we are trying to do for them while we have them with us.