In my 44 years of life, I haven’t figured out if it worse to keep starting over or to never have begun. It used to be very exciting, to have a fresh start. But as I age, and my brain conceived of better ways to see things and better ways to be, a “fresh start” seems like nothing more than a mockery of progress. Nowadays, I just prefer to assess the mess around me, wherever I am at on the journey, and straighten it up so I can move on.
I recently spent the better part of a year getting in shape. I worked so hard, and it showed. I dropped 30 pounds and felt better than I ever had. (I seriously wonder if I ever felt as good and as healthy in my 20s)! Then, rather suddenly, I gained every pound back. The most horrifying part of gaining all of the weight back was that I accomplished it inside of 3 months. I stood on the scale with my eyes closed tightly, slowly opening them to see the terrifying number on the display…176 pounds??? Say wha??? I’m only 5’2”! Thank goodness I still had my larger uniforms because I had to jump up two sizes! How in the world did this happen??
The truth of the matter is that I got complacent. The truth is that I was struggling mentally and going through some things in my life at the time. The truth that I had to face is that I had to make a decision. Do I “start over”, or do I clean up the mess and move on? Maybe it’s just a mental thing…convincing myself that I have not gone back to square one, but rather tumbled down the embankment along the path. I choose to face the facts: I have had a lapse of self-control, discipline, and commitment. I also know that I am a very strong and resilient woman. I know that I have tremendous support and serve a God who loves me. I will not give up. Never. I don’t need to start over from the beginning.
There is a lot of pressure in the military to be “fit to fight”. I owe it to my service and to myself to rise to that standard. But I get so exhausted sometimes. The pace of life sometimes overwhelms me and I just want to pull over and have a donut! (I ate two this morning!) I am capable of achieving my goal of normal BMI by the end of the year. And I will continue from here, already on the road and gaining momentum. Watch me. I’ll see you at the finish line.
