Author: Sanya Bird

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I Don’t Got This…A Lesson In Resiliency

I recently had to take a PT test.  I have taken a million of them.  Every time I go to bed the night before, I toss and turn.  I have heart palpitations all morning as I am getting ready to go to the test, and I have to pee like 4 times before the test actually begins.  I always pass.  It may not always be pretty or top ten, but it’s always a pass…except this time.  This time, I failed.

When you fail, there are no smiles…no confetti flies…there are no shouts of victory.  It’s like you were sitting in a theatre watching an action/adventure movie and suddenly, all of the lights go out, the screen goes black, and you’re sitting alone in the darkness, and all you can think is, “now what?”

Before the test, everyone told me, “You got this!”  And no, I didn’t.  I did not prepare.  I just hoped for a miracle, I suppose.  Yes, I’m not getting any younger.  My metabolism is slower than molasses, every joint hurts, and I’m broken (bulging discs, brittle bones, nerve damage).  Yeah, I’m full of excuses.

You might be surprised to know that I am not ashamed.  I am not hiding away, shutting myself up in my office like a troll.  I owned my failure.  I announced to everyone in my flight that I did not pass my PT test.  I told them because I want them to see resiliency in action.  I told them because I want them to hold me accountable to pass my retest.  When I told them, I talked about how we all have been in situations with unplanned or unexpected outcomes that knock us down.  Resiliency is when we use what we are made of to move beyond the circumstances.

I’m still going to dry heave before every PT test…probably even more just before this upcoming retest.  I’m still getting older by the minute, and I’m still broken.  Blah, blah, blah, cry me a river, right?  But I am also resilient.  I bounce back.  I told my son if I lose 30 pounds by my birthday in September, he is to buy me a megaphone.  I will then use said megaphone at squadron PT to “inspire” young Airmen to get moving.  So far, I have lost 5 pounds.

I got this! 🙂

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A New New Place

I am new here to Texas.  I have been here for training, but this is my first time living here.  This is my first time here living my life and not just operating with a temporary routine.  For all intents and purposes, this is a new place.  But that is not the only new place for me.  I am in an entirely new place in my career.  I have not yet been grouped with the more senior, knowledgeable people at work…until now.  This is a new, NEW place for me to be!

Part of me thinks, “Finally!  I have arrived!”  But another (bigger) part of me thinks, “Um…how…wha?”.  I want to embrace this new place, but I know that is going to mean a somewhat different approach to things.

With God’s help, I will maintain a healthy amount of humility.  To be clear, humility is the opposite of arrogance, not confidence.  Also with God’s help, I will be confident in what my experience and training bless me with bringing to the table.  I am both exhilarated and nervous about this new, new place.  I think about both the amazingly wonderful experiences I have had over the past almost 8 years as a Medical Service Corps officer and the horrific situations I have found myself in that brought me to my knees.  From this vantagepoint, I can see how the dark threads in the tapestry are vital to the picture that is now my life.  The dark threads are what remind
me to stay humble.  The dark threads are what remind me of God’s mercy and grace.

I look forward to this new chapter I never even thought would be written.  May I be a blessing to those I interact with, influence, and direct: this is my prayer!

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The Prodigal

I have long understood the salvation of man.  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  He bore the burden and the consequence of our sins, past, present, and future.  This is a fact that I have been able to embrace.  However, I have, for some reason, constructed it in my mind to mean that once you have been born again, only unintentional sin is covered.

I had determined that a believer who intentionally sins is the most horrific being in existence.  Imagine my sadness to realize that I had become one of these despicable creatures.  I spent many months after my disgraceful choices unable to forgive myself, let alone consider a moment of thought that God would forgive me.  I have since learned to accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself.  But it was only quite recently that I found an answer to my burning question, “Does God forgive His children who intentionally sin?”

The answer is Luke 15.
A man had two sons.  The younger son asked for his inheritance to be given to him immediately, and the man did.  The younger son traveled to another country and blew his inheritance.  He was then broke, just as a famine broke out in the land.  He took a job feeding pigs that barely paid anything.  He even dreamed of being able to eat the slop that he fed to the pigs.

He realized one day that his own father’s servants had it better than he had it at that time.  He decided to go back home and tell his father that he knew he had made some mistakes and disgraced his father.  He decided he was going to tell his father that he knew he was no longer worthy to be his son and asked to be made one of the servants.

When his son was a still a long way off, the father heard his prodigal son was returning.  He told his servants to bring the best robe and sandals to clothe him with and a ring to put on his finger.  He told them to prepare the best food.  Why?  Because the son he thought was dead and lost forever was returning home to him and he was going to celebrate!

Jesus told this story because this is what God is like.  When believers make selfish, destructive, hateful, evil decisions, and the Holy Sprit convicts us and we decide to return to Him, our tail between our legs, knowing we don’t deserve reinstatement as children of the King, God blows us clean away.  He welcomes us back into the family, not as servants or red-headed step children, but with wide open arms to embrace us as His beloved children.

But why?  Why would God do this when we are the worst human beings on the planet?  It is so simple, it should have never troubled my heart and mind.  When God looks at us, as we approach the throne of Grace, He sees Jesus.  He doesn’t see our sin.  If we are truly seeking His forgiveness, we will have it given to us.

So, here I stand, saved, forgiven, and free.  I am confident and secure in my place in the family of God.  At the same time, I am amazingly humbled.

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Starting Over

In my 44 years of life, I haven’t figured out if it worse to keep starting over or to never have begun.  It used to be very exciting, to have a fresh start.  But as I age, and my brain conceived of better ways to see things and better ways to be, a “fresh start” seems like nothing more than a mockery of progress.  Nowadays, I just prefer to assess the mess around me, wherever I am at on the journey, and straighten it up so I can move on.  
I recently spent the better part of a year getting in shape.  I worked so hard, and it showed.  I dropped 30 pounds and felt better than I ever had.  (I seriously wonder if I ever felt as good and as healthy in my 20s)!  Then, rather suddenly, I gained every pound back.  The most horrifying part of gaining all of the weight back was that I accomplished it inside of 3 months.  I stood on the scale with my eyes closed tightly, slowly opening them to see the terrifying number on the display…176 pounds???  Say wha???  I’m only 5’2”!  Thank goodness I still had my larger uniforms because I had to jump up two sizes!  How in the world did this happen??
The truth of the matter is that I got complacent.  The truth is that I was struggling mentally and going through some things in my life at the time.  The truth that I had to face is that I had to make a decision.  Do I “start over”, or do I clean up the mess and move on?  Maybe it’s just a mental thing…convincing myself that I have not gone back to square one, but rather tumbled down the embankment along the path.  I choose to face the facts: I have had a lapse of self-control, discipline, and commitment.  I also know that I am a very strong and resilient woman.  I know that I have tremendous support and serve a God who loves me.  I will not give up.  Never.  I don’t need to start over from the beginning.

There is a lot of pressure in the military to be “fit to fight”.  I owe it to my service and to myself to rise to that standard.  But I get so exhausted sometimes.  The pace of life sometimes overwhelms me and I just want to pull over and have a donut!  (I ate two this morning!)  I am capable of achieving my goal of normal BMI by the end of the year.  And I will continue from here, already on the road and gaining momentum.  Watch me.  I’ll see you at the finish line.

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Not Built To Last

Admittedly, quality is a bit of a subjective assessment. However, no matter what the benchmark agreed upon, there is always a line. Consider “quality of life”, for example. I would submit to you that the benchmark for quality of life is the best achievable comfort and positive state considering all circumstances and conditions imposed on the life being assessed for quality. In saying this, I consider that all “circumstances and conditions” are imposed as a result of two primary factors: the nature of mankind as sinful and fallible and mankind’s creation as beings with the responsibility of choice. 
In all things, we choose our actions and our attitudes, based on our assessment of value…quality, if you will. When things “happen to you” or “happen around you”, there are always choices to be made about action and attitude. Don’t fool yourself in thinking you have no decisions to make or no options to consider. The only “victims” who truly exist are those who might want to choose something but require someone else’s actions to be in sync with their choices. For instance, the existence of life is the manifestation of that life choosing to live. Another’s choice to the contrary on their behalf makes them a victim of a choice of another. In other words, someone valued the victim’s quality of life as lesser than another’s.
This shell, this clay pot, this vessel was not built to last. In fact, from birth, our bodies began to die. This is not a morbid observation; it is a statement of scientific fact. This body will age and wither and die. Internal organs will become less efficient, skin will dry, thin, and wrinkle, hair will fall out or turn grey, brains will malfunction or quit altogether, and in spite of all decisions to fight off the inevitable, the inevitable will happen. It may happen quickly, unexpectedly, or after a life full of many years. Your choice to make is how you are going to live the life you have?
Consider my assessments:
  1. It is not all about you. Much of your own life is not about you. As a Christian, I believe my focus should be about using my gift of life to show others God’s love and demonstrate how His kindness leads us to repentance. I believe my focus should be to learn how to extend forgiveness, grace, and understanding to others by choice.
  2. The life in this vessel is not the end-all-be-all. This is a practice of relationships…the cultivating of healthy ones and the practice of looking to and depending on God for everything, yes, everything. The sooner you comprehend and internalize that, the sooner you will be enlightened to seeing your life and the world through His eyes.
  3. The body is not the person. The body is a container. It is a required accessory for life in this reality. I believe that to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord. When this body ceases to function, I will continue to live in God’s presence! That’s a huge trade-up in my assessment of quality of life!
  4. We have a responsibility while in this vessel. We should choose to love and forgive…choose to care for this vessel as best we can in its mortal state…choose to ingest healthy things and speak life into the world instead of hatred and malice…choose to value others and our relationships. 
  5. Bad things (sometimes really bad things) are going to happen. Crimes against you, afflictions, tragedies, losses. We must choose to align our attitudes with understanding of what this life is, as I have explained. The universe is not against you, and God has already proven His love for you. If we understand that our lives continue after existing in this mortal container, then we understand that this “human condition” is a very small part of our existence. 
  6. Very wondrous things will also happen to and all around us. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Relish the amazing things and relationships of your life. It will help you make good choices.
I, for one, choose to value you. Whoever you are, if you got this far in reading what I have to say, come away with that. You matter…well beyond this life. I hope that if you didn’t before that you believe that now. It is the one thing that was actually built to last.