Author: Sanya Bird

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Time for a Cool Change

I had a scare last week.  I was ambulanced to the hospital with chest pressure and sky-rocketed blood pressure.  It was a bit of a wake up call.

I have often wondered, usually while watching Biggest Loser, ‘why is it exactly that people wait until it is a life or death situation before they finally start thinking about doing something about their weight??’  I think I figured it out today.

It’s like this: My body is kind of like my military dress shoes.  They are super shiny on the upper.  The laces are in excellent shape…have never let me down.  I have solid footing on them and they serve their purpose of covering my feet and getting me around.  But, as you can see by the picture, the sole is completely cracked in half.  When I stand or walk around, no one notices…not even me.  I am not in a hurry to replace them.  But some day soon, I’m going to step in a puddle and get soaked or the shoes will completely break in two at that crack.  They will then become useless and I will have no choice but to replace them.  At that point, it won’t matter the cost or the inconvenience.  At that point, it is more inconvenient to not get a new pair. 

The difference is that my body cannot be replaced by a new one I purchase when I wear this one out or it breaks down.  I’m pretty sure the vast majority of health issues that I have encountered in recent months has everything to do with my weight.  I was also told at the hospital that although my issue was not related to my ticker, I do have a fatty liver.  It is a condition, if left unchecked, can kill.  So how do I deal with this?  I have a few options.  I could choose to ignore this warning, as I have done with every warning up to this point and just wait to read my obituary in the paper one day.  I could insist to my doctor that I get put on a pharmacy full of meds to “manage”.  Or, I could take the most difficult road to recovery…the one that has the most satisfying payoffs, like an extended life and feeling pretty good about myself inside and out…I could exercise and eat better and lose weight. 

Let’s not fool ourselves.  Motivating oneself to lose weight is just as difficult as motivating someone else to do it.  It is possibly even more difficult, at least I believe this to be true for me.  What is will power?  No, seriously, what is it?  It is a force of proportions that both intrigue and terrify me.  It terrifies me because the only thing that can really motivate people to better themselves physically is vanity.  Those of you who are successful in having a noteworthy physique cannot argue against that.  Unfortunately, those who lack the motivation cannot be labeled as “humble”, but rather lacking a healthy sense of self-worth.  I want to be able to get my results right now and do the work later.  I want there to be an option D…maybe just getting credit for the million times I have said, “I really need to lose weight!” 

I’m getting older and I’m feeling age wearing me out.  But, I will look at some positives: I have a lot of things going for me, and I can recover from this setback.  The main reason that I know this is because I have value to a Friend who sticks closer than a brother.  I have value to my Heavenly Father.  I have value to the Great Physician.  I have value to the One who will never leave me nor forsake me.  And the best thing of all is that I’m really not alone in this.  Thank God, I don’t have to rely on my own ability to motivate myself.

We will see what the next few months bring about.  It is time for several cool changes in my life. I am hopeful for every one of them.  I’m starting with a new pair of low quarters.

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Don’t Chicken Little It!

Here lately at work I have been under a lot of stress, particularly as it pertains to the “herding of cats”, as I like to call it.  You know these colleagues…the Complainers, the Lazy, the Alphas, the Divas, and the Brats…they all want to go off in a different direction, none of which is the way you envision the path to success. 

I am a healthcare administrator (by choice, I might add).  I know that I could never care for patients directly…don’t have the stomach for it.  But I can work the business side of the house with the very same vision of optimizing patient care as clinical staff.  I view it as my contribution to the care and well-being of patients seen within our walls.

Lately, there have been many decisions made or discussed without my involvement (of course, I am speaking of times where I really should have been involved, not just every decision).  I have been tempted, when at my wit’s end, to finally just give in to the stress, anger, and frustration and just freak out.  I have a very beloved coworker who told me today that I shouldn’t “Chicken Little it”.  This phrase instantly spoke to me.  When I am dealing with issues, no matter how sketchy things get, the sky is not falling.  If something catastrophic were to happen to a patient, that would be different.  But in the day-to-day operations of the clinic, the sky is never falling. 

This past week has taught me something else.  Get organized.  There are lots of moving parts and the only hope of keeping sanity is to keep track of everything.  I got myself a Franklin Planner and I’m so much better prepared now.  It may take some time to do the initial “inventory”, but the investment is worth all the time you will free up later.  I’m not in constant panic mode and I get so much done!

It’s my new mantra: Don’t Chicken Little It. 

www.franklinplanner.com

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Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I think I’ve been doing alright.  I’ve been really busy with work and school.  I can’t believe I’m 40 years old.  I see the grey and the wear around my eyes, but I haven’t changed much on the inside.  I know it’s this human condition that we are all subjected to, but I just can’t get used to not having you around.  I wish I could talk to you.  You always helped me make sense out of chaos and confusion. 

In case you were wondering, the world is still a hot mess.  And in the midst of it all, I can still have a moment of utter silence and a soft breeze when I get to witness the splendor of God’s Glory in a colorful silken flower.  It’s as if nothing exists in the world except that moment and that flower and I am nowhere but in that bubble, not wanting to snap out of the trance.

Dear Dad, I wish I could share my experiences with you.  Those things I find unbearable or not particularly interesting would take on a whole different meaning if I could tell you about them…I know they would!  I guess you’re never ready to lose someone, but I thought I could be much more resilient.  I’m not terribly sentimental about things, but I can’t ignore the hole in my life that you left. 

I’m going to be okay.  That’s the truth.  I miss you so much, but I will see you again in the sweet by and by. 

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Relax!

“Just slow down and take a breath!”  “Why don’t you just relax?”  “Stop worrying about that.”  These are a few of the phrases I had been told (repeatedly) while on my Crazy Speed Train to Burn Out City.  And do you think these “encouraging words” calmed me and helped me to recenter?  Heck no!  In fact, what hearing these phrases would do is burn the hairs on the back of my neck and turn me into an enraged She-Hulk.  “What do you mean ‘RELAX’???  Are you insane???  I don’t have time to relax!  GRRRRR!!!!!  Hulk smash!”  Well, I think you get the picture.

I recently went on a family vacation back to the states.  Before I left for our vacation, I would have told you that I’m a mess and everyone else is handling things so much better than I am.  When I returned, I quickly caught on to the fact that everyone else is still doing exactly what I was doing…on the speed train to burn out and just plain super stressed.  When you’re that stressed, you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because in your reasoning, there is no light.  You can’t find your path out of the stress because you are too busy drowning in stress, you have been screaming and crying about it to realize you are probably only swimming in a foot of water if you would only stand up.

I took my vacation time.  Yes, I really took vacation.  I still checked my email to keep it from piling up so I wouldn’t miss anything really important, but I told my coworkers and subordinates that they should only contact me if something extremely serious happened that couldn’t wait until I returned and I put my out of office reply on.  So, back to my vacation.  In many ways, it was a typical vacation…a trip to an amusement park, visiting with family and friends…but I even did that better than ever.  For the first time in my whole adult life, I determined that I was going to enjoy every single encounter I had with every person and savor every moment.  I didn’t think about the next place to go or squeezing as many activities into my day.  I just wanted to spend as much time with as many people as possible.  It was fabulous.

I did something else during my vacation, something that changed me.  I determined that I was going to take care of myself.  My health had been adversely affected by all of the stress and I was becoming no good for anyone.  Taking care of myself meant that this was going to have to be a crossroads where I had to start managing stress in a different way.

When the anxiety began to mount in preparation for my first day back to work, I talked myself out of it before I got too far in.  (Yoga breathing is awesome.)  I spoke truth to myself…”I’m going to have a great first day back”, “I can do this.”  My first day back was a Saturday, of all days, but you know what?  It was a great day.  I saw some smiles and heard lots of welcome backs. 

Today at work, I had such a great conversation with my boss.  He has been the biggest source of my stress and anxiety.  I think he unintentionally broke me the first week I was here and I have been stressed ever since.  I was so stressed that I started to get paranoid that everyone was out to revel in seeing me fall on my face and I struggled not to give them the satisfaction, particularly my boss.  But I had an honest conversation with him today.  I told him how I had been feeling and the awful place all of the stress put me in.  He smiled and assured me that none of that is based in reality.  He encouraged me to learn as much as I can while I’m here and take advantage of the unique challenges of this duty location. 

I can’t say that I have everything figured out now and that I flipped the switch and will now never be overrun by stress.  But I can say that I am making a conscious effort to manage stress, be realistic, and take care of myself. 

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Appreciating the Less Finer Things

There is an art to appreciating the less finer things in life.  I don’t think I’m there quite yet, but I am trying to learn to appreciate the hardship, the disappointment, and the loss.  Appreciating these less popular companions does not mean I have to embrace or favor them.  It means I see them for what they are and what they may teach me. 

I have had numerous internal conflicts since I have been here in Turkey.  I have experienced some health issues I had never had to deal with before.  I have been learning and growing as an officer and it has been incredibly painful at times.  I have only two doctorate level classes under my belt, and I have already devoted 240 hours of my life to the pursuit of that degree.  We are facing a drawdown of the military population and that has been stressful for everyone.  My internal conflicts have a lot to do with trying to keep my feelings of self-worth grounded in reality while I constantly feel under the gun, behind the eight ball, and barely above water. 

I keep spinning the plates.  There is something mesmerizing and exhilarating about spinning plates.  I sometimes get more mesmerized than exhilarated and space out too long and one of the plates hits the unforgiving concrete floor.  I’m trying to learn to appreciate that moment and what happens afterward.  I’m definitely not perfect…never will be and never claimed to be.  And yet, I have wired myself to think perfection is what is expected of me and anything less is epic failure.  It is because of this that I have decided to rewire myself.  I have an electronics degree…I can do this!

This “system upgrade” started with the realization I was never going to live up to any standards, real or imagined, that involved perfection.  Then, I had to get comfortable with the fact that my best, which I give every day, is pretty dang good.  Now I am working on holding myself to realistic standards.  (There are few more complex combinations of things in nature than an intelligent, emotional human!)

Hardship, disappointment, and loss will always visit me from time to time.  Sometimes they will move in and stay with me for a season.  But everything has a season.  Everything has a purpose.  I will draw strength from that as I continue trying to appreciate those less finer things in life.