Category: Personal

I know I’m smart enough.  I know I’m capable enough.  But I just made a decision to discontinue (at least for a while) my doctorate degree program.  I prayerfully considered the decision and discussed it with my husband.  It shook out as the right answer.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress at work.  Suffice it to say, something horrible happened, and I am existing in the aftermath of the unnatural disaster.  Dissertation writing is not the most fruitful when you are in survival mode.  Failure is not the word I am associating with this decision.  Anyone who would say that I should just continue because I am “so close” has not pursued a doctorate degree.  It is not simply a degree of higher learning…it is the evidence you produce that you are an expert in the field of blah.  I believe it is worth the pursuit, but I am a better contributor to society by focusing on matters at hand and healing from getting hit by the politics bus.

How is this leaning in??  It sounds like I’m giving up, like I just snapped under the pressure.  But trust me, I’m leaning in to my adverse winds.  I am taking something huge off my plate to turn in and face the road ahead.  Even amazing Guinness World Record holders can only pull the rail cars with their teeth for a short distance, and they certainly can’t do it every day, all day!  Are you feeling me?

Control the things you can control, and lean in fearlessly against the headwinds of the things you cannot control.  When you lean in and the headwinds knock you down, you have so much less distance to fall, less ground to cover when you get back up, and leaning in keeps you moving forward.  Once you heal and the winds dissipate, gradually or suddenly, you will have made progress. 

I am not failing.  I am taking control and making progress.  That’s what resilient behavior looks like.

There have been times when it all gets to be too much…work, school, family, the house, health, and all of those little rocks that weave themselves in between all of that.  Recently, I had one of those times of over saturation.

I had just walked into my office and was standing there in front of my desk.  Everything that had piled itself on me was suddenly and mysteriously muted by the hum of my tower fan.  My feet felt like they were stuck to the floor.  I took a deep breath as I looked around the room.  All of those inanimate objects just sitting there, quietly and peacefully living out their purpose.  I never thought I could be jealous of a wooden plaque.

As much as I wanted to spend a significant amount of time as a statue in the middle of my office instead of a human being, I snapped out of it and carried on.  I spent the weekend working on the beginnings of a new approach…at least to the work and health rocks.  Making a few small, but significant changes has proven to make things more manageable.

I am working it out, bravely serving a greater purpose than an inanimate object on a shelf.  I don’t have to be jealous of wooden plaques, but I can borrow a page from their playbook and stop, turn down the volume of the chaos, and just be for a little while.

To be perfectly honest, I have never really felt ultra feminine.  I don’t wear much make-up, never wear dresses, don’t even own heels, and feel like I am suffocating if my nails get too long.  I prefer having long hair, but only because I can put it in a ponytail and forget about it.  I used to have pierced ears, but they closed up from lack of use.  I only wear a watch because it is functional.  The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring.  Three babies have incubated in this body, and I am completely satisfied with that.

So, when I was faced with the decision to tear down the baby factory due to some faulty interior structure issues, I wasn’t exactly devastated.  I was ready to feel better.  I underwent a hysterectomy the day before Thanksgiving.  I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.  The nursing staff who worked on Thanksgiving day and took care of me and the other ladies on the OB/GYN floor were truly angelic.  I will be sending them thank you cards to try to express how much their care meant to me.  The doctor filling in doing rounds for my surgeon was quite a bit less angelic having to work on Thanksgiving.  My only question for him is, “who do you think wanted to leave the hospital worse than the other, doctor, or patient?” 

I am now on house arrest in my recovery nest.  It is much better than being stuck in the hospital, for sure.  I did the dishes today… big mistake.  But it was a mistake I had to make in order to actually appreciate the advice I was given to “take it easy”. 

Although I have never been ultra feminine, I am still a woman.  And, no matter how many female parts they ever end up removing, I will always be a woman.  I am not concerned about feeling less.  My concern is much more centered on my return to humanity.  I want to be a runner again, an Airman again, a domestic goddess again, a vehicle for whatever God chooses. 

No matter what I end up with or without in this physical body at the end of its journey through life, my spirit is whole, intact, complete, and redeemed.  I am my spirit and I have a body.  I am more than a woman, I am a child of the One True King.