Category: Personal

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Wooden Plaques

There have been times when it all gets to be too much…work, school, family, the house, health, and all of those little rocks that weave themselves in between all of that.  Recently, I had one of those times of over saturation.

I had just walked into my office and was standing there in front of my desk.  Everything that had piled itself on me was suddenly and mysteriously muted by the hum of my tower fan.  My feet felt like they were stuck to the floor.  I took a deep breath as I looked around the room.  All of those inanimate objects just sitting there, quietly and peacefully living out their purpose.  I never thought I could be jealous of a wooden plaque.

As much as I wanted to spend a significant amount of time as a statue in the middle of my office instead of a human being, I snapped out of it and carried on.  I spent the weekend working on the beginnings of a new approach…at least to the work and health rocks.  Making a few small, but significant changes has proven to make things more manageable.

I am working it out, bravely serving a greater purpose than an inanimate object on a shelf.  I don’t have to be jealous of wooden plaques, but I can borrow a page from their playbook and stop, turn down the volume of the chaos, and just be for a little while.

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I Love You…Now Go Away

This morning, a coworker poked their head into my office about three minutes after I had walked in, turned my light on, and put my hat up on the shelf, and shrugged off my backpack.  He cheerfully announced, “Good morning to you!” Ugh.  I cannot politely explain what immediately went through my mind.  Suffice it to say, there were unpleasant words and a borderline violent response locked away up inside my brain.  The turmoil flowing through my incarcerated mind reached a toxic danger level when my facial expression prompted the “case of the Mondays” comment.

I am spoiled to have a short commute to work, or some may think.  It is about 10 to 15 minutes.  However, it is barely enough time to get ready for the onslaught of cheer when I walk in the office. It’s not that I am not a morning person.  It’s not that I am anti-social.  And honestly, I think people who are around me all day would consider me to be generally quite pleasant.  I am an introvert.  I recharge in those coveted moments of solitude. 

This world is run by extroverts.  They step out in front, steeling their wool by engaging in social interactions.  Their batteries are hooked up to an alternator.  The more they exert energy in social settings, the more energized they become.  This is why they run the world…renewable energy. 

The world is managed by introverts.  We clear the paths for the extroverts and tidy up afterward.  We ensure the foundations are solid and the sound system works.  We gently influence the conversation with our subtle, yet confident and compassionate input. After doing our part, we require solitude to recharge and prepare for the next big thing.

In spite of my response to by bubbly coworker, I am not a hateful troll.  I am simply one who draws strength from the quiet, uninterrupted moments where I find clarity, focus, and can plan greatness for my extrovert friends to run with.

Next month, I will be driving a few hundred miles to attend training.  Armed with my GPS, pillow from home, and satellite radio, I am looking forward to those hours of recharging…and the epic concert that I have an exclusive on-stage pass to in my vehicle.

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More Than a Woman

To be perfectly honest, I have never really felt ultra feminine.  I don’t wear much make-up, never wear dresses, don’t even own heels, and feel like I am suffocating if my nails get too long.  I prefer having long hair, but only because I can put it in a ponytail and forget about it.  I used to have pierced ears, but they closed up from lack of use.  I only wear a watch because it is functional.  The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring.  Three babies have incubated in this body, and I am completely satisfied with that.

So, when I was faced with the decision to tear down the baby factory due to some faulty interior structure issues, I wasn’t exactly devastated.  I was ready to feel better.  I underwent a hysterectomy the day before Thanksgiving.  I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.  The nursing staff who worked on Thanksgiving day and took care of me and the other ladies on the OB/GYN floor were truly angelic.  I will be sending them thank you cards to try to express how much their care meant to me.  The doctor filling in doing rounds for my surgeon was quite a bit less angelic having to work on Thanksgiving.  My only question for him is, “who do you think wanted to leave the hospital worse than the other, doctor, or patient?” 

I am now on house arrest in my recovery nest.  It is much better than being stuck in the hospital, for sure.  I did the dishes today… big mistake.  But it was a mistake I had to make in order to actually appreciate the advice I was given to “take it easy”. 

Although I have never been ultra feminine, I am still a woman.  And, no matter how many female parts they ever end up removing, I will always be a woman.  I am not concerned about feeling less.  My concern is much more centered on my return to humanity.  I want to be a runner again, an Airman again, a domestic goddess again, a vehicle for whatever God chooses. 

No matter what I end up with or without in this physical body at the end of its journey through life, my spirit is whole, intact, complete, and redeemed.  I am my spirit and I have a body.  I am more than a woman, I am a child of the One True King.

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In a World Where Everyone is Like Me

All of those personality tests tell me what I already knew…I thrive with order in my world; time with others must be significantly less than time to myself; I am not a fan of confrontation; I think practically and avoid making emotionally-based decisions like the plague; planning is an anchor in my life both professionally and personally.  I am studious (no, really?).  If I am not learning something, I am obviously wasting my free time.  Then, there’s the real vices: I have a little superiority complex and can come across as arrogant to others…I really have no patience when it comes to situations where things are not in order and/or disorganized.  I know God has a sense of humor, because He has blessed me with a family that sometimes makes it their mission to ensure I practice patience when things are chaos.

“They” say, “It takes all kinds.”  However, if the world were filled with people just like me, this is what I envision would be the result:

–Bookstores (particularly Bible bookstores) would be the largest, most successful industry on the planet, followed by Amazon, Starbucks and the Apple store.

–There would be no need for speed limits because no one would drive anywhere close to a dangerous speed.

–All locations boasting hot, humid summers would be completely uninhabited…we’re talking like the Rapture came and took every last person away.

–Horror movies…what are those?  They would not exist.

–There would never be work-sponsored Christmas parties with any kind of theme where women had to wear gowns unless they really wanted to…and there would be many more ugly sweater-themed parties.

–No beer…only wine.

–High heels would not exist.  They shouldn’t exist now…what pointless forms of foot cover!

–The only fighting in the world would be when they cancel really good shows on TV.

–The work day would start no earlier than 8am. 

–Everyone would move every couple 2-5 years.  It lends itself to adventure, variety, culture, and a departure from monotony and stagnation.

I suppose it really does take all kinds, because even if you can tolerate me and how I am, it’s not a life that everyone would embrace as their own!  Besides, I like you just how you are.

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I Ended Up Doing It a Better Way

And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. 

I have been in Turkey for two years now.  This has been an experience I could neither compare to anything else I have ever experienced, nor amply describe to anyone who has never been here.  Even those who have come before (and those who will come after) will have a different experience to draw from.  My experience is unique in location and time.

I can tell you of all the things I look forward to in returning to the states in a few weeks…mostly those first world luxuries that everyone in the U.S. take for granted.  But I will miss many things here.  Primarily, I will miss the people I work with, both Turkish and American.  My colleagues have truly been my family here.  I have appreciated every second of support and encouragement they have all offered. 

It is no secret that my first year here was a nail-biter.  I came here already burned out and struggled with finding my way right out of the gate.  It is also no secret that the recovery road was long.  Everyone who was here then is gone now, and you would be hard-pressed to find anyone here now who would believe it was that bad.  Thank the Lord for healing my mind.

Although I am no longer as emotional as I used to be, I still care very deeply for my coworkers, the military medical mission, and I am very passionate about my contribution.  My hope for the future is that I will not get complacent while in the U.S. and that I will continue to build on what my experience here in Turkey has taught me.  When my husband and I were talking about going overseas, we both said, “anywhere but Turkey!”  But God knew what He was doing to bring me here, and I wouldn’t change having this assignment for anything!