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Reboot

I thought I was having a heart attack last Wednesday.  I was sitting in my office, and suddenly had crushing chest pain that radiated up through my throat to my jaw and my left arm was numb and tingling.  It was the scariest experience of my entire life.  I thought I my office was going to be the last thing I saw before the end.  A work up at the hospital did not indicate a heart attack, so they sent me home and told me to take the rest of the week off.  I was told to “rest” and “take it easy”.

Yesterday, I went back to the hospital for shortness of breath.  They did an even more thorough work up to check every aspect and function of my heart.  Finding everything to be in good shape, they sent me home.  I was again sent home with instructions to take the rest of the week off and “rest”.

It has become apparent that I do not know how to “rest” or “take it easy”.  When I was a little girl and would visit my Abuelita, she spoke very little English.  One thing she did say, as we left, is “take it easy!”  I always smiled and waved and laughed a little, thinking how cute my little Grandmother sounded saying those words.  I had no idea what “take it easy” meant then, and I don’t know what it means now!

When I was at home “resting” last week, I had my work computer with me, logging on and trying to keep track of what was going on and delegating work, responding to emails, and ensuring deadlines were tracked and kept.  On top of that, I was doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and loading the dishwasher.  I slept some…I think, to check the box.  Okay, yes, I have “rested”.  I kept waking up in the middle of the night in a state of mind that I can only describe as angry.  For several minutes, I would flop around like a fish out of water, unable to get comfortable or relax my mind enough to drift back to sleep.

I returned to work on Monday, but I was back in the hospital yesterday for shortness of breath.  They did an even more thorough work up on my heart and determined that everything was good.  They send me home again with instructions to stay home and “rest” for the rest of the week.

Yesterday was a kind of moment for me.  I hollered “TIME OUT!” at myself in my mind.  This was ridiculous!  I had finally had enough of feeling this way and dealing with this frustration.  So, I decided I would stay home from work today and completely boycott work and any thought of work for an entire day!  For all of you workaholics…self-proclaimed or unaware…it IS possible.  IGNORE the work texts, do NOT power up the work computer, do NOT check the work email, and let the work phone calls go to voicemail.  (If you are in the military like I am, recall messages are unique and you know you have to deal with them, but for real, they are not likely going to be sent on your one day!)

I’m doing a one day REBOOT!  When something isn’t working, what do they say?  UNPLUG AND RESTART!!!  It works almost every time!  So why not try it?  It’s one day.  The world will not stop spinning without you at work in one day.  If the place burns down in that one day, well, everyone has new stuff to deal with the next day, including you!

If you try this, let me know how it works for you.  I am literally in the middle of my reboot day right now.  I am sitting on the couch next to my napping puppy, watching my favorite shopping channel.  Yes, I cleaned the kitchen, but there was a sour smell coming from something over there that I couldn’t handle, and I needed to get rid of it! LOL  I have a nap planned and the rest of my time is just whatever.  I give myself permission to start powering back up at 9pm.  I will only bring “uniform prep” and “lunch pack” apps online.  I won’t bring work function apps online until tomorrow morning.

Best of luck to all of you who give this a try with me!

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Why Do Cars Have Headlights?

Have you ever asked the question, “why do cars have headlights?”  Of course you haven’t, because the answer is intuitive.  But take a moment to ponder that question now.

There are really two basic answers, and they both have to do with FOCUS.

1. A car has headlights to allow you to see where you are driving in the dark.  Just because it is dark out does not mean you can’t navigate the twists and turns of a road or avoid obstacles.  Headlights enable you to focus on where you are going.

2. Headlights on other cars enable you to see other people on the road and avoid their becoming an obstacle for you.  Have you ever driven in the fog?  I have, and being able to follow behind someone with their lights on gave me a comforting feeling, like this stranger suddenly became my best friend, and we were in it together!

FOCUS in our lives rarely comes naturally to us…squirrel!  Trust me, I get it.  The most gifted procrastinators (certain that I am one) must work very hard to gain and maintain focus.  Think about this: How many times have you had to “start over” with something you have been working on (like weight loss, writing a paper, telling a story, working a project)?  How many times have you experienced success in the past by maintaining focus on your goal to achieve it?  Okay…now set all that aside!  No, seriously!  You have to stop looking back at past failures AND successes. Focus on the present.  Concentrate your attention on the road ahead.  Now.  What road are you on and where are you going?  It doesn’t matter how bright your headlights are if you are driving down the road looking out the back window!!

So buckle up, eyes front, and headlights on!

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I Don’t Got This…A Lesson In Resiliency

I recently had to take a PT test.  I have taken a million of them.  Every time I go to bed the night before, I toss and turn.  I have heart palpitations all morning as I am getting ready to go to the test, and I have to pee like 4 times before the test actually begins.  I always pass.  It may not always be pretty or top ten, but it’s always a pass…except this time.  This time, I failed.

When you fail, there are no smiles…no confetti flies…there are no shouts of victory.  It’s like you were sitting in a theatre watching an action/adventure movie and suddenly, all of the lights go out, the screen goes black, and you’re sitting alone in the darkness, and all you can think is, “now what?”

Before the test, everyone told me, “You got this!”  And no, I didn’t.  I did not prepare.  I just hoped for a miracle, I suppose.  Yes, I’m not getting any younger.  My metabolism is slower than molasses, every joint hurts, and I’m broken (bulging discs, brittle bones, nerve damage).  Yeah, I’m full of excuses.

You might be surprised to know that I am not ashamed.  I am not hiding away, shutting myself up in my office like a troll.  I owned my failure.  I announced to everyone in my flight that I did not pass my PT test.  I told them because I want them to see resiliency in action.  I told them because I want them to hold me accountable to pass my retest.  When I told them, I talked about how we all have been in situations with unplanned or unexpected outcomes that knock us down.  Resiliency is when we use what we are made of to move beyond the circumstances.

I’m still going to dry heave before every PT test…probably even more just before this upcoming retest.  I’m still getting older by the minute, and I’m still broken.  Blah, blah, blah, cry me a river, right?  But I am also resilient.  I bounce back.  I told my son if I lose 30 pounds by my birthday in September, he is to buy me a megaphone.  I will then use said megaphone at squadron PT to “inspire” young Airmen to get moving.  So far, I have lost 5 pounds.

I got this! 🙂

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A New New Place

I am new here to Texas.  I have been here for training, but this is my first time living here.  This is my first time here living my life and not just operating with a temporary routine.  For all intents and purposes, this is a new place.  But that is not the only new place for me.  I am in an entirely new place in my career.  I have not yet been grouped with the more senior, knowledgeable people at work…until now.  This is a new, NEW place for me to be!

Part of me thinks, “Finally!  I have arrived!”  But another (bigger) part of me thinks, “Um…how…wha?”.  I want to embrace this new place, but I know that is going to mean a somewhat different approach to things.

With God’s help, I will maintain a healthy amount of humility.  To be clear, humility is the opposite of arrogance, not confidence.  Also with God’s help, I will be confident in what my experience and training bless me with bringing to the table.  I am both exhilarated and nervous about this new, new place.  I think about both the amazingly wonderful experiences I have had over the past almost 8 years as a Medical Service Corps officer and the horrific situations I have found myself in that brought me to my knees.  From this vantagepoint, I can see how the dark threads in the tapestry are vital to the picture that is now my life.  The dark threads are what remind
me to stay humble.  The dark threads are what remind me of God’s mercy and grace.

I look forward to this new chapter I never even thought would be written.  May I be a blessing to those I interact with, influence, and direct: this is my prayer!

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The Prodigal

I have long understood the salvation of man.  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  He bore the burden and the consequence of our sins, past, present, and future.  This is a fact that I have been able to embrace.  However, I have, for some reason, constructed it in my mind to mean that once you have been born again, only unintentional sin is covered.

I had determined that a believer who intentionally sins is the most horrific being in existence.  Imagine my sadness to realize that I had become one of these despicable creatures.  I spent many months after my disgraceful choices unable to forgive myself, let alone consider a moment of thought that God would forgive me.  I have since learned to accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself.  But it was only quite recently that I found an answer to my burning question, “Does God forgive His children who intentionally sin?”

The answer is Luke 15.
A man had two sons.  The younger son asked for his inheritance to be given to him immediately, and the man did.  The younger son traveled to another country and blew his inheritance.  He was then broke, just as a famine broke out in the land.  He took a job feeding pigs that barely paid anything.  He even dreamed of being able to eat the slop that he fed to the pigs.

He realized one day that his own father’s servants had it better than he had it at that time.  He decided to go back home and tell his father that he knew he had made some mistakes and disgraced his father.  He decided he was going to tell his father that he knew he was no longer worthy to be his son and asked to be made one of the servants.

When his son was a still a long way off, the father heard his prodigal son was returning.  He told his servants to bring the best robe and sandals to clothe him with and a ring to put on his finger.  He told them to prepare the best food.  Why?  Because the son he thought was dead and lost forever was returning home to him and he was going to celebrate!

Jesus told this story because this is what God is like.  When believers make selfish, destructive, hateful, evil decisions, and the Holy Sprit convicts us and we decide to return to Him, our tail between our legs, knowing we don’t deserve reinstatement as children of the King, God blows us clean away.  He welcomes us back into the family, not as servants or red-headed step children, but with wide open arms to embrace us as His beloved children.

But why?  Why would God do this when we are the worst human beings on the planet?  It is so simple, it should have never troubled my heart and mind.  When God looks at us, as we approach the throne of Grace, He sees Jesus.  He doesn’t see our sin.  If we are truly seeking His forgiveness, we will have it given to us.

So, here I stand, saved, forgiven, and free.  I am confident and secure in my place in the family of God.  At the same time, I am amazingly humbled.