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Starting Over

In my 44 years of life, I haven’t figured out if it worse to keep starting over or to never have begun.  It used to be very exciting, to have a fresh start.  But as I age, and my brain conceived of better ways to see things and better ways to be, a “fresh start” seems like nothing more than a mockery of progress.  Nowadays, I just prefer to assess the mess around me, wherever I am at on the journey, and straighten it up so I can move on.  
I recently spent the better part of a year getting in shape.  I worked so hard, and it showed.  I dropped 30 pounds and felt better than I ever had.  (I seriously wonder if I ever felt as good and as healthy in my 20s)!  Then, rather suddenly, I gained every pound back.  The most horrifying part of gaining all of the weight back was that I accomplished it inside of 3 months.  I stood on the scale with my eyes closed tightly, slowly opening them to see the terrifying number on the display…176 pounds???  Say wha???  I’m only 5’2”!  Thank goodness I still had my larger uniforms because I had to jump up two sizes!  How in the world did this happen??
The truth of the matter is that I got complacent.  The truth is that I was struggling mentally and going through some things in my life at the time.  The truth that I had to face is that I had to make a decision.  Do I “start over”, or do I clean up the mess and move on?  Maybe it’s just a mental thing…convincing myself that I have not gone back to square one, but rather tumbled down the embankment along the path.  I choose to face the facts: I have had a lapse of self-control, discipline, and commitment.  I also know that I am a very strong and resilient woman.  I know that I have tremendous support and serve a God who loves me.  I will not give up.  Never.  I don’t need to start over from the beginning.

There is a lot of pressure in the military to be “fit to fight”.  I owe it to my service and to myself to rise to that standard.  But I get so exhausted sometimes.  The pace of life sometimes overwhelms me and I just want to pull over and have a donut!  (I ate two this morning!)  I am capable of achieving my goal of normal BMI by the end of the year.  And I will continue from here, already on the road and gaining momentum.  Watch me.  I’ll see you at the finish line.

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Not Built To Last

Admittedly, quality is a bit of a subjective assessment. However, no matter what the benchmark agreed upon, there is always a line. Consider “quality of life”, for example. I would submit to you that the benchmark for quality of life is the best achievable comfort and positive state considering all circumstances and conditions imposed on the life being assessed for quality. In saying this, I consider that all “circumstances and conditions” are imposed as a result of two primary factors: the nature of mankind as sinful and fallible and mankind’s creation as beings with the responsibility of choice. 
In all things, we choose our actions and our attitudes, based on our assessment of value…quality, if you will. When things “happen to you” or “happen around you”, there are always choices to be made about action and attitude. Don’t fool yourself in thinking you have no decisions to make or no options to consider. The only “victims” who truly exist are those who might want to choose something but require someone else’s actions to be in sync with their choices. For instance, the existence of life is the manifestation of that life choosing to live. Another’s choice to the contrary on their behalf makes them a victim of a choice of another. In other words, someone valued the victim’s quality of life as lesser than another’s.
This shell, this clay pot, this vessel was not built to last. In fact, from birth, our bodies began to die. This is not a morbid observation; it is a statement of scientific fact. This body will age and wither and die. Internal organs will become less efficient, skin will dry, thin, and wrinkle, hair will fall out or turn grey, brains will malfunction or quit altogether, and in spite of all decisions to fight off the inevitable, the inevitable will happen. It may happen quickly, unexpectedly, or after a life full of many years. Your choice to make is how you are going to live the life you have?
Consider my assessments:
  1. It is not all about you. Much of your own life is not about you. As a Christian, I believe my focus should be about using my gift of life to show others God’s love and demonstrate how His kindness leads us to repentance. I believe my focus should be to learn how to extend forgiveness, grace, and understanding to others by choice.
  2. The life in this vessel is not the end-all-be-all. This is a practice of relationships…the cultivating of healthy ones and the practice of looking to and depending on God for everything, yes, everything. The sooner you comprehend and internalize that, the sooner you will be enlightened to seeing your life and the world through His eyes.
  3. The body is not the person. The body is a container. It is a required accessory for life in this reality. I believe that to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord. When this body ceases to function, I will continue to live in God’s presence! That’s a huge trade-up in my assessment of quality of life!
  4. We have a responsibility while in this vessel. We should choose to love and forgive…choose to care for this vessel as best we can in its mortal state…choose to ingest healthy things and speak life into the world instead of hatred and malice…choose to value others and our relationships. 
  5. Bad things (sometimes really bad things) are going to happen. Crimes against you, afflictions, tragedies, losses. We must choose to align our attitudes with understanding of what this life is, as I have explained. The universe is not against you, and God has already proven His love for you. If we understand that our lives continue after existing in this mortal container, then we understand that this “human condition” is a very small part of our existence. 
  6. Very wondrous things will also happen to and all around us. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Relish the amazing things and relationships of your life. It will help you make good choices.
I, for one, choose to value you. Whoever you are, if you got this far in reading what I have to say, come away with that. You matter…well beyond this life. I hope that if you didn’t before that you believe that now. It is the one thing that was actually built to last.
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Shameless Birthday Plug

Tomorrow (aka “Talk Like a Pirate Day”) is my birthday.  I feel like I have been 44 for a while already, even though I have yet to actually achieve the age.  Yes, I believe 44 is an age to be achieved.  And it didn’t come easily.

I started this journey at the ripe young age of zero.  I remember when I was in elementary school, calculating how many years before I had to be a grown up.  One, I hate math.  And B, as long as that number was huge, I felt relief.  Now I lay in bed in the morning, calculating how many minutes I have until I reach the point of no return and have to get up.  As long as that number is huge, I feel relief.

I will be 44 tomorrow, and I still have no significant desire to be a grown up.  Being an officer in the Air Force, it seems so unfitting.  Youth is really wasted on the young.  In my mind, I’m starting to get ready to be in my mid-20’s.  I actually feel pretty good physically, with the exception of the arthritis flair-ups and occasional hot flashes. I am training for a half marathon in 19 days.  I run an average of 100 miles per month.  I’ll tell you right now, my 20-ish self would not dream of doing such things. So take that, 20-ish self!

I used to think my life was so blah.  I used to think I had not done anything notable.  But I got stuff!  I have been an Airman, NCO, contractor, and officer in the US Air Force.  I have an Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree.  I am a dissertation away from a Doctorate degree.  I squeezed three humans out of my body.  I have lived overseas.  I have traveled to most of the states in the US.  I have repaired electronic and medical equipment for a living.  I have been an instructor and an administrator.  I have gained (and lost!) 30 pounds.  There’s other stuff.  I’ve just forgotten a bunch of it because I forget stuff now.  There’s not as much stimulated grey matter between my ears to retain everything, you know!

I enjoy life for the most part, even though there’s lots of sucky stuff in between the good stuff.  I miss my dad, whose birthday was the day after mine.  I wish he was still around.  I’d make him some tacos.

So, happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, everyone!  I’ll be checking IDs at the gate in the morning if you travel that way.  Feel free to wish me a Happy 44th!

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Lean In

I know I’m smart enough.  I know I’m capable enough.  But I just made a decision to discontinue (at least for a while) my doctorate degree program.  I prayerfully considered the decision and discussed it with my husband.  It shook out as the right answer.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress at work.  Suffice it to say, something horrible happened, and I am existing in the aftermath of the unnatural disaster.  Dissertation writing is not the most fruitful when you are in survival mode.  Failure is not the word I am associating with this decision.  Anyone who would say that I should just continue because I am “so close” has not pursued a doctorate degree.  It is not simply a degree of higher learning…it is the evidence you produce that you are an expert in the field of blah.  I believe it is worth the pursuit, but I am a better contributor to society by focusing on matters at hand and healing from getting hit by the politics bus.

How is this leaning in??  It sounds like I’m giving up, like I just snapped under the pressure.  But trust me, I’m leaning in to my adverse winds.  I am taking something huge off my plate to turn in and face the road ahead.  Even amazing Guinness World Record holders can only pull the rail cars with their teeth for a short distance, and they certainly can’t do it every day, all day!  Are you feeling me?

Control the things you can control, and lean in fearlessly against the headwinds of the things you cannot control.  When you lean in and the headwinds knock you down, you have so much less distance to fall, less ground to cover when you get back up, and leaning in keeps you moving forward.  Once you heal and the winds dissipate, gradually or suddenly, you will have made progress. 

I am not failing.  I am taking control and making progress.  That’s what resilient behavior looks like.

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Opportunity Looks Like Work

In September 2016, I stepped on the scale.  After about the third time, I actually looked at what it said.  178 pounds.  I’m only 5’2″, and the last time I carried a human being in my body was almost 9 years ago.  I have a job that requires a decent level of physical fitness.  I guess I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten because I stopped looking at myself in the mirror at some point. 

Being overweight in the military is the equivalent of having leprosy…No one wants to associate with you because it doesn’t matter how nice, how smart, or how amazing you are at doing your job…you are damaged.  You cannot be an outstanding military member, all else being absolutely stellar when you are overweight and struggle with physical fitness.  (And anyone who argues with me on this point has probably not been overweight in the military.)  Countless military members are provided their walking papers because of physical fitness/weight related issues.  And on the other side of the coin, physically fit military members who are less capable of doing their jobs get to stay.  I’m not saying that all military members are either fit and dumb or fat and smart, nope, not selling that line at all, so keep your panties unbunched!

Back to my story.  I purchased this book called, “Lose it now, lose it forever”.  There was nothing particularly revolutionary within the pages of this book, but it was the right thing to finally flip a switch in my brain.  First of all, I figured out that I had actually been lying to myself that I was doing everything I could to try to lose weight.  I made some serious changes in my food intake, both what I ate and how much.  Second, I stepped up my exercise…seriously stepped it up.  EVERYTHING that keeps you from moving is an excuse.  I walked on a video game controller and tore my plantar fascia…that put me back a few days, but since I couldn’t run, I walked…got on the elliptical…did squats, crunches, anything…arm circles, for crying out loud!  Whenever I finish my workout, I always shout out, “Good job, Mama, good job!”  For some reason, it gives me a mental boost. 

I have lost 25 pounds so far since mid-September, and I’m about halfway to my goal weight.  It has been and will continue to be work.  It has been and will continue to be sacrifice.  I am committing myself to take advantage of this opportunity to be who I want to be.  I have been the only one in my way.  I have said things like, “Well, I can lose some weight, but I’m never going to have 6-pack abs…I love to run, but I’m not built for running, so I won’t ever be very fast…I can do better on my PT test, but I’ll probably never score over 90…”  To myself, I now say, “Just watch me.”