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Sometimes You Just Can’t Win

Sometimes, in spite of all of your amazing feats of resiliency after getting knocked in the dirt, you don’t get to carry home the Comeback Kid trophy. Sometimes, you just can’t win.

I want to be sure to give myself plenty of credit. I have won many days and many battles. I have been knocked in the dirt, kicked when I was down, and spat in the face. I have picked myself up and continued to move forward. I survived, then I thrived. I helped others out of pits. I taught others how to thrive. I brought teams together and helped connect military healthcare with community partners and Veterans Affairs.

I had a good run, and I have no regrets. I am proud of myself and my service. There are some things I am looking forward to once I become a civilian again:

  • Being able to wear colorful fingernail polish
  • Being able to wear my hair in any configuration I want
  • Being able to carry any color backpack
  • Being able to wear any color and style earrings I want
  • Being able to talk politics at work
  • Being able to invite people at work to church
  • Calling people by their first name
  • Saying “yeah” or “okay” in place of “yes, sir/ma’am”
  • Not being on a recall roster, deployment team, or response team
  • Getting to take vacation and go wherever I want and not have to take leave on weekend days
  • No PT test for “job security”
  • Not having to wear a hat outside unless I want to
  • Being able to use one of those clear umbrellas that you can see through so you can keep it low down to you
  • No more “additional duties”

My military career is drawing to a close, but my life is taking off! I am far from finished helping teams do amazing things and teaching people to lead with excellence. I am still writing my book. I have worked as a civilian before, and as I return to civilian life, I bring with me the sum of my experiences. I am a survivor. I am a leader. I will thrive and lift others to higher heights because it matters. I am FAR from finished.

Sometimes, you think you’ve lost when it is not even close to over. Take a deep breath. Keep getting back up when you’re knocked down. Breathe. Accept the moment as is. Breathe. Talk to God and then LISTEN. Breathe. Start to gather yourself and build a game plan. Cry a little (or a lot) if you need to. Another nice, deep, cleansing breath, my friend…and then start to move. Move forward…it’s going to work out. We will win. Winning might not look like we imagined it would, but it will still be amazing!

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Mission Statements

I bet at sometime in your life, perhaps numerous times, you have had to draft a mission statement. In the beginning stages of writing a book, it is a great idea to write a personal mission statement. It helps to focus your attention and puts your “why” into a few sentences that you can refer back to any time you start to lose momentum.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “he looks like a man on a mission!” or “she’s on a mission!”? What does that mean? You are usually talking about someone who is walking somewhere very quickly like they have a sense of purpose…someone who has a sense of urgency, who is laser focused on getting from point A to point B with no detours! This is how we should think about our personal mission statements as we craft them.

Begin your personal mission statement with “I’m on a mission to…”. What you put after that should be everything that you have a sense of urgency and purpose to do in your life. It should be as many words as it takes to describe what you believe you are on this earth to do. What is your contribution to humanity?

Some things that will help you construct your personal mission statement:

What do you value? Beauty, Nature, Faith, Honesty, Respect, Love, Teamwork, Courage, etc…. How do you demonstrate that you value each one?

What are your roles in life? Parent, Spouse, Coach, Teacher, Leader, Mentor, Friend, etc…. Write some “I am” statements for each role explaining how you fulfill each role.

What is one thing you could do that would have the most positive impact in your life?

What kind of person do you want to BE? (compassionate, hard-working, humorous, responsible, etc)

What kinds of things would you like to DO? (learn how to play an instrument, volunteer, graduate college, etc)

What would you like to HAVE during your lifetime? (new house, retirement pension, a boat, etc)

What are some of the greatest moments of happiness and fulfillment?

What activities do you most enjoy and find most fulfilling in your life?

What talents do you have or want to have?

What would you like people to say about you on your 80th birthday? (I know this one sounds strange, but trust me, it also helps to focus your mission statement efforts!)

After you draft your personal mission statement, put it somewhere that will have your attention every day and see if it doesn’t recharge you to keep you on your mission!

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Keep People in the Light

Change is tough. Change is hard enough when it is a change that you know others have been through before. But when it is like this…this thing we are all making up as we go…this thing that makes us lose track of what day or month it is or when was the last time life was “normal”…change is something we don’t even have a word for. I don’t know about you, but it churns my stomach and makes me feel like I have zero control over anything in my life.

I have been watching the news way more than I used to. I’m probably watching it more than I should. All they show is about COVID19 because it is the center of everyone’s existence right now. This isn’t like anything we have ever experienced as a world society. No one really has answers because we are all trying to figure things out (and making a lot of things up) as we go along.

Perceptions are so evil! They eat away at our imaginations and fill in the gaps between the facts. The greater the distance between facts, the more perceptions can be fabricated and woven throughout the gaps. As a leader who has introverted tendencies, it can be exhausting to be consistently keeping up with information and making sure I pass it along to my team. But what fuels my motivation and energy to make sure I keep people in the light about everything I know as soon as I know it is how much I care about these individuals! That care for their well-being and their livelihood and human value overrides any of my selfish tendencies to close myself off.

I’m not going to lie, some aspects of having to telework are dreamy for introverts. So when I had to begin teleworking a few days ago, I was initially relieved to be able to stay home while I worked. But it didn’t take long before I realized how difficult it was going to be to communicate with my team. I have now become the person left a little in the dark. I am learning very quickly that we all have the ability to shine a little light on information for each other…and we should.

We are living in unprecedented times. Let’s do everything we can to keep each other enlightened to as much truth as possible during this time of uncertainty and keep perceptions from weaving too much of their tapestry into our minds. On the other side of these days, my hope is that we come back together and compare notes…and find out they are pretty darn close.

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We Are All On The Same Team

Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

As a military officer, I lead a group of people and other officers (my colleagues) lead other groups of people. We all belong to a larger group and this cycle repeats until you trace our collective all the way up to the President of the United States. Every single one of us must find a way to determine our place in this collective and move the mission forward…because we are all on the same team.
There is likely to be nothing in my lifetime that will prove our “one team, one fight” more than COVID19. As entire families are isolating at home, many of my coworkers and I are still going to work, making sure people can be tested and those who are tested are tracked. Everyone, no matter what their personality type or feelings about each other, has gotten down to business and focused solely on taking care of our patients. And something unexpected has happened as a result…
Our team has become more energized, happier, and morale and spirits are actually higher. I’ve seen crises bring people together, but this is different. What is happening to people is transforming my team. The irony of this is how we have to practice “social distancing”, and it is bringing us closer together in ways we needed all along. When you can’t rely on the typical customs and courtesies of handshakes, fist bumps, and high fives, you strangely begin to lean on the unprecedented alternative of asking each other, “how are you doing?” And not casually in passing, like we used to just a few months ago. You ask, and you really listen. And people really tell you. We are connecting for the first time on a level that humanity should always be connecting.
You know someone, nearby or far away…what does that matter now? Call, text, FaceTime, them, and ask them how they’re doing. And then listen. And connect. It’s the way we can all take this tragic time and restore the human team.

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Feedback

I had my midterm feedback today. The boss said I am terrible at communication. He didn’t really say it like that, but that is what I heard. That is the message that is reverberating in my brain, eating away at my self-esteem. Never mind all of the compliments on my stellar work…he said I was a horrible communicator…who stumbles over my words and looks like I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a total loser! He hopes I am selected for promotion because I deserve to be a Major and he said I am the only flight commander who truly engages with their team and has great team morale…horrible communicator!!

Whew! That was exhausting! But we B types tend to do this on a regular basis, in one form or another, don’t we? We refuse to acknowledge our strengths or give ourselves credit for our accomplishments and distort our weaknesses to crippling proportions. What the boss actually told me about my communication skills is “continue working on brevity when speaking” and “concentrate on fine-tuning your communication skills”. This is an entirely realistic and manageable task when you look at it through a sober lens.

I want to encourage you that when you receive feedback that is less than savory, take the time you need to react to it, and then take action. Reaction is a natural thing. Allow yourself to feel some kind of way about it…but not for too long! Next, take action! Do NOT confuse this with “response”. Response is not action. It is more inaction, more excuses, more reaction. Action is taking the feedback constructively and applying your type B personality magic to it and generating an outcome that not only addresses the concern but exceeds everyone’s imagination of how you could possibly improve things. The greatest part of it all is how little effort it takes a type B leader to do this.

But, I know. Even after all of this, when the glitter settles and the confetti is all swept up, you still won’t feel worthy of congratulating yourself. I have learned a lot of things over the years as a type B leader, but I can’t help you with self-appreciation. We will have to figure that one out together.