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Feedback

I had my midterm feedback today. The boss said I am terrible at communication. He didn’t really say it like that, but that is what I heard. That is the message that is reverberating in my brain, eating away at my self-esteem. Never mind all of the compliments on my stellar work…he said I was a horrible communicator…who stumbles over my words and looks like I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a total loser! He hopes I am selected for promotion because I deserve to be a Major and he said I am the only flight commander who truly engages with their team and has great team morale…horrible communicator!!

Whew! That was exhausting! But we B types tend to do this on a regular basis, in one form or another, don’t we? We refuse to acknowledge our strengths or give ourselves credit for our accomplishments and distort our weaknesses to crippling proportions. What the boss actually told me about my communication skills is “continue working on brevity when speaking” and “concentrate on fine-tuning your communication skills”. This is an entirely realistic and manageable task when you look at it through a sober lens.

I want to encourage you that when you receive feedback that is less than savory, take the time you need to react to it, and then take action. Reaction is a natural thing. Allow yourself to feel some kind of way about it…but not for too long! Next, take action! Do NOT confuse this with “response”. Response is not action. It is more inaction, more excuses, more reaction. Action is taking the feedback constructively and applying your type B personality magic to it and generating an outcome that not only addresses the concern but exceeds everyone’s imagination of how you could possibly improve things. The greatest part of it all is how little effort it takes a type B leader to do this.

But, I know. Even after all of this, when the glitter settles and the confetti is all swept up, you still won’t feel worthy of congratulating yourself. I have learned a lot of things over the years as a type B leader, but I can’t help you with self-appreciation. We will have to figure that one out together.

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Reboot

I thought I was having a heart attack last Wednesday.  I was sitting in my office, and suddenly had crushing chest pain that radiated up through my throat to my jaw and my left arm was numb and tingling.  It was the scariest experience of my entire life.  I thought I my office was going to be the last thing I saw before the end.  A work up at the hospital did not indicate a heart attack, so they sent me home and told me to take the rest of the week off.  I was told to “rest” and “take it easy”.

Yesterday, I went back to the hospital for shortness of breath.  They did an even more thorough work up to check every aspect and function of my heart.  Finding everything to be in good shape, they sent me home.  I was again sent home with instructions to take the rest of the week off and “rest”.

It has become apparent that I do not know how to “rest” or “take it easy”.  When I was a little girl and would visit my Abuelita, she spoke very little English.  One thing she did say, as we left, is “take it easy!”  I always smiled and waved and laughed a little, thinking how cute my little Grandmother sounded saying those words.  I had no idea what “take it easy” meant then, and I don’t know what it means now!

When I was at home “resting” last week, I had my work computer with me, logging on and trying to keep track of what was going on and delegating work, responding to emails, and ensuring deadlines were tracked and kept.  On top of that, I was doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and loading the dishwasher.  I slept some…I think, to check the box.  Okay, yes, I have “rested”.  I kept waking up in the middle of the night in a state of mind that I can only describe as angry.  For several minutes, I would flop around like a fish out of water, unable to get comfortable or relax my mind enough to drift back to sleep.

I returned to work on Monday, but I was back in the hospital yesterday for shortness of breath.  They did an even more thorough work up on my heart and determined that everything was good.  They send me home again with instructions to stay home and “rest” for the rest of the week.

Yesterday was a kind of moment for me.  I hollered “TIME OUT!” at myself in my mind.  This was ridiculous!  I had finally had enough of feeling this way and dealing with this frustration.  So, I decided I would stay home from work today and completely boycott work and any thought of work for an entire day!  For all of you workaholics…self-proclaimed or unaware…it IS possible.  IGNORE the work texts, do NOT power up the work computer, do NOT check the work email, and let the work phone calls go to voicemail.  (If you are in the military like I am, recall messages are unique and you know you have to deal with them, but for real, they are not likely going to be sent on your one day!)

I’m doing a one day REBOOT!  When something isn’t working, what do they say?  UNPLUG AND RESTART!!!  It works almost every time!  So why not try it?  It’s one day.  The world will not stop spinning without you at work in one day.  If the place burns down in that one day, well, everyone has new stuff to deal with the next day, including you!

If you try this, let me know how it works for you.  I am literally in the middle of my reboot day right now.  I am sitting on the couch next to my napping puppy, watching my favorite shopping channel.  Yes, I cleaned the kitchen, but there was a sour smell coming from something over there that I couldn’t handle, and I needed to get rid of it! LOL  I have a nap planned and the rest of my time is just whatever.  I give myself permission to start powering back up at 9pm.  I will only bring “uniform prep” and “lunch pack” apps online.  I won’t bring work function apps online until tomorrow morning.

Best of luck to all of you who give this a try with me!

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Why Do Cars Have Headlights?

Have you ever asked the question, “why do cars have headlights?”  Of course you haven’t, because the answer is intuitive.  But take a moment to ponder that question now.

There are really two basic answers, and they both have to do with FOCUS.

1. A car has headlights to allow you to see where you are driving in the dark.  Just because it is dark out does not mean you can’t navigate the twists and turns of a road or avoid obstacles.  Headlights enable you to focus on where you are going.

2. Headlights on other cars enable you to see other people on the road and avoid their becoming an obstacle for you.  Have you ever driven in the fog?  I have, and being able to follow behind someone with their lights on gave me a comforting feeling, like this stranger suddenly became my best friend, and we were in it together!

FOCUS in our lives rarely comes naturally to us…squirrel!  Trust me, I get it.  The most gifted procrastinators (certain that I am one) must work very hard to gain and maintain focus.  Think about this: How many times have you had to “start over” with something you have been working on (like weight loss, writing a paper, telling a story, working a project)?  How many times have you experienced success in the past by maintaining focus on your goal to achieve it?  Okay…now set all that aside!  No, seriously!  You have to stop looking back at past failures AND successes. Focus on the present.  Concentrate your attention on the road ahead.  Now.  What road are you on and where are you going?  It doesn’t matter how bright your headlights are if you are driving down the road looking out the back window!!

So buckle up, eyes front, and headlights on!

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I Don’t Got This…A Lesson In Resiliency

I recently had to take a PT test.  I have taken a million of them.  Every time I go to bed the night before, I toss and turn.  I have heart palpitations all morning as I am getting ready to go to the test, and I have to pee like 4 times before the test actually begins.  I always pass.  It may not always be pretty or top ten, but it’s always a pass…except this time.  This time, I failed.

When you fail, there are no smiles…no confetti flies…there are no shouts of victory.  It’s like you were sitting in a theatre watching an action/adventure movie and suddenly, all of the lights go out, the screen goes black, and you’re sitting alone in the darkness, and all you can think is, “now what?”

Before the test, everyone told me, “You got this!”  And no, I didn’t.  I did not prepare.  I just hoped for a miracle, I suppose.  Yes, I’m not getting any younger.  My metabolism is slower than molasses, every joint hurts, and I’m broken (bulging discs, brittle bones, nerve damage).  Yeah, I’m full of excuses.

You might be surprised to know that I am not ashamed.  I am not hiding away, shutting myself up in my office like a troll.  I owned my failure.  I announced to everyone in my flight that I did not pass my PT test.  I told them because I want them to see resiliency in action.  I told them because I want them to hold me accountable to pass my retest.  When I told them, I talked about how we all have been in situations with unplanned or unexpected outcomes that knock us down.  Resiliency is when we use what we are made of to move beyond the circumstances.

I’m still going to dry heave before every PT test…probably even more just before this upcoming retest.  I’m still getting older by the minute, and I’m still broken.  Blah, blah, blah, cry me a river, right?  But I am also resilient.  I bounce back.  I told my son if I lose 30 pounds by my birthday in September, he is to buy me a megaphone.  I will then use said megaphone at squadron PT to “inspire” young Airmen to get moving.  So far, I have lost 5 pounds.

I got this! 🙂

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A New New Place

I am new here to Texas.  I have been here for training, but this is my first time living here.  This is my first time here living my life and not just operating with a temporary routine.  For all intents and purposes, this is a new place.  But that is not the only new place for me.  I am in an entirely new place in my career.  I have not yet been grouped with the more senior, knowledgeable people at work…until now.  This is a new, NEW place for me to be!

Part of me thinks, “Finally!  I have arrived!”  But another (bigger) part of me thinks, “Um…how…wha?”.  I want to embrace this new place, but I know that is going to mean a somewhat different approach to things.

With God’s help, I will maintain a healthy amount of humility.  To be clear, humility is the opposite of arrogance, not confidence.  Also with God’s help, I will be confident in what my experience and training bless me with bringing to the table.  I am both exhilarated and nervous about this new, new place.  I think about both the amazingly wonderful experiences I have had over the past almost 8 years as a Medical Service Corps officer and the horrific situations I have found myself in that brought me to my knees.  From this vantagepoint, I can see how the dark threads in the tapestry are vital to the picture that is now my life.  The dark threads are what remind
me to stay humble.  The dark threads are what remind me of God’s mercy and grace.

I look forward to this new chapter I never even thought would be written.  May I be a blessing to those I interact with, influence, and direct: this is my prayer!